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DEDICATED TO FREE THOUGHT AND FREE SPEECH IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD |
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FATAL ACCIDENTS: THE BRIGHT SIDE
The following letter to the editor by Lawrence A. Bullis, originally published in the Arizona Republic, appeared in issue number 49 of View from the Ledge, a 'zine published by Chuck Shepherd in St. Petersburg, Florida. Bullis lives in Phoenix.
Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents, and lots of them.
Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our species becomes progressively more intelligent (or a least less stupid).
With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.
Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.
Submitted by G.B. Kelseyville, CA
In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh "
And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide it."
And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength,"
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong "
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful "
And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good And the plan became policy And this is how shit happens
Girl Friend 1.0
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflict and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions. The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally object oriented. A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware, its software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this"
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,"Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced: "The feud is back on!"
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"...
Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering...
Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House...
The World as 100 People
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere (north and south)
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
90 would be heterosexual
10 would be homosexual
59% of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only 6 people and all 6 would live in the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition - 1 would be near death
1 would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance and understanding becomes glaringly apparent.
THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Why It's Great to Be A Guy
Phone conversations last 30 seconds
You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
You can open all your own jars
Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
You can go to the bathroom alone
Your last name stays put
You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
You can kill your own food
The garage is all yours
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
Cleaning the toilet is optional
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
Wedding plans take care of themselves
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
You don't have to shave below your neck
You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
If you're 34 and single, no one notices
Chocolate is just another snack
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
You never have to worry about other's feelings
Three pair of shoes are more than enough
You can say anything and not worry about what people think
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
One mood, all the time
You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
Gray hair and wrinkles add character
Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
The remote is yours and yours alone
You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
If you retain water, it is in a canteen
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor
Q. What is the difference Between men and E.T.?
A.. E.T. Phones home.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A. 1] No Mind 2] No Business
Q. Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
A. They know the penalty for early withdrawl.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They can irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why do men name thier penises?
A. They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all the decisions.
Q. What is gross stupidity?
A. 144 men in one room.
Q. Why are men given bigger brains than dogs?
A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. What is the difference between a porcupine and a corvette?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. What do men think Roe vs. Wade is?
A. Two ways to cross a river.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Dirty" AND "Dirty, but wearable".
Q. How stupid are men about money?
A. Only a man would buy a $500. car and put a $4,000 stereo in it.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM
would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Submitted by David Quinn - DavidQ@rinnai.com.au
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