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Revocation of Independence

by Basil Fawlty (AKA John Cleese)

 

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

 

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

 

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide.

You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

 

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize.."

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football."

There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football! " is not a very good

game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Roundabouts and metrication will help you Understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. >From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

__________________________

Everyone needs a living will:

 

Living Will

 

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank),

being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept

alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no

circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of

peckerwood, ethically challenged politicians who

couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives

depended on it.

 

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to

sit up and ask for a cheeseburger, it should be

presumed that I won't be getting better. When such a

determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse,

children and attending physicians to pull the plug,

reel in the tubes and call it a day.

 

Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members

of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special

law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my

wish that these boneheads mind their own damn

business, and pay attention instead to the health,

education and future of the millions of Americans who

aren't in a permanent coma and the ones they bomb into

rubble worldwide.

 

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into

this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes

they're trying to scrounge for their run for the

presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with

someone else's life and leave me alone to die in

peace. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious

zealots send e-mail's to legislators in which they

pretend to care about me. I don't know these people,

and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and

crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own

business, too.

 

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns

my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to

haunt them from the grave and make their existence a

living hell.

 

_____________________

signature

 

___________________

Witness

 

 

__________________________

Date

__________________________

George Bush's Resume

 

* I was arrested in Kennebunkport,Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol.

* I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.

* My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

 

Military

 * I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.

* I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.

* By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

 

College 

* I graduated from Yale University with a low C  average.

* I was a cheerleader.

 

Past Work Experience

 * I ran forU.S.Congress and lost.

* I began my career in the oil business in Midland,Texas, in 1975.

* I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas.

* The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

* I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

* With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

 

Accomplishments as Governor of Texas

 * I changedTexas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, makingTexas the most polluted state in the Union.

* During my tenure,Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

* I cut taxes and bankrupted theTexas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

* I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

* With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

 

Accomplishments as President

 

* I am the first President in U.S.history to enter office with a criminal record.

* I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

* I spent the U.S.surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S.Treasury.

* I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S.history.

* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.

* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.

* I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.stock market.

* In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.

* I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S.history.

* My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

* I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President.

* I am the all-time U.S.and world record holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

* My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.History, Enron.

* My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S.Supreme Court during my election decision.

* I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

* I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.history.

* I changed the U.S.policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

* I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S.history.

* I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.

* I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.history.

* I am the first President in U.S.history to have the United Nations remove the U.S.from the Human Rights Commission.

* I withdrew the U.S.from the World Court of Law.

* I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S."prisoner of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

* I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002U.S.election).

* I set the record for least number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

* I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one year period.

* After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S.history.

* I garnered the most sympathy for theU.S. after theWorld Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S.the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

* I have set the all time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.

* I am the first President in U.S.history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.

* I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in war time.

* In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends.

* I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

* I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

* I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein to justice.

 

Records and References

 * All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

* All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

* All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

 

Please consider my experience when voting in 2005.

Please send this to every voter you know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

 

 

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores

and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire

Hydrants and......

 

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

 

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna

Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Bells...

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

 

 

 

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

 

Remember this motto to live by:

 

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

CompuBug Awards for Dubious Achievement in Computing.

The awards, like many of the products they honor, have no real value. The decision of the judge is final, and is based solely on personal opinion, instinct and finely honed prejudice.

CHICKEN LITTLE MEMORIAL JOURNALISM award is shared by the national media establishment for taking a bit of computing esoterica, the Y2K glitch, and building it into a menace that rivals the Black Death. The story has been so hyped worldwide that every technical failing of any sort will be attributed to the glitch, without regard to the fact that airplanes have crashed and power failures occurred before anyone heard about Y2K.

CANCER IN LANGUAGE award goes to the person (who someday will be identified and brought to justice) who first put the letter ``e'' in front of nouns to signify the involvement of the Internet or electricity, giving rise to ``e-commerce,'' ``e-trades,'' ``e-books,'' ``e-greeting cards'' -- e-nough already!

I CAME, I SAW, I SUED award goes to the U.S. Department of Justice legal beagles who sniffed Microsoft and howled ``monopoly!'' Yes, Microsoft operating systems dominate, but this is not unlike taking the cliff to court because the lemmings keep leaping from it.

SOMEDAY, OVER THE RAINBOW award goes to suppliers of both cable modems and DSL (Digital Subscriber Line) technologies who were supposed to introduce simple, cost-effective, high-speed Internet connections into the ordinary consumer marketplace. Technical hint: Wheels roll better without corners in the form of required technician visits, problematic performance and high costs.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE award goes to Microsoft Corp., which put out a Windows 98 upgrade in October '99, just months before the scheduled release of Windows 2000. If automobiles went out of control as often as Windows does, most of us would be afraid to leave our driveways.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD award, corporate division, goes to Apple Computer, which has climbed out of more coffins than all the vampires in Anne Rice's novels. The iMac sucks money, not blood, and flies from store shelves, not crypts.

TREE KILLER award, product marketing, goes to the nincompoops who sparked the trend in software packaging that requires several pages of cover flaps to tout the product and still manages to hide system requirements from anyone without a magnifying glass. It shouldn't require more than one sheet to describe what the product does and what is needed to run it. And why surround a CD-ROM with a package the size of a cereal box?

Runners-up are the publicists who send multiple-page faxes announcing that the Third Assistant Vice President in Charge of Foot Kissing has been promoted to a higher region of the anatomy

On the first day of class, a language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association, although in English these words were of neutral gender. Making a smart remark, one student raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher decided to have a little fun, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory, inevitably for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

20 Got Buzz?
19 Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
18 A Day Without Pot is Like School
17 Weed My Lips!
16 Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
15 What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
14 Obey Your Jones
13 Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
12 It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
11 Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
10 Official Sponsor of the NBA
9 Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
8 Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
7 This is your brain.This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
6 When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
5 SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)
4 Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
3 Just Doob It
2 It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

1 Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00 Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00 Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

Subject: state mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic ThanYour Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy'sDon't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In OurWater
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In FundamentalistExtremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death ToMainland Scum, ButLeave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We'reNot, But ThePotatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, ButThat's Our TourismCampaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's(For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your OwnState
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars AtWork
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,Right-wing Crazies, AndVery Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer##$%##! Motto RightHere!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, YouHave The Right ToAn Attorney ...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn'tActually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And SlackjawYokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds AndSlackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

_____________________________________________________________________

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Doctors Trick

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."

 The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

 1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into The fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his House down, killing both him and his sister.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6 ft 2in tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a womanís wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirlís uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden section of bedpost approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter. This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. Los Angeles - Police officials would not release the name of a Pacoima man who was found dead after complaints from neighbours that a Bad smell was coming from his apartment. Upon entering, officers were Surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment, including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered with pornographic images cut from magazines. ìThe visual effect was very unsettling,î said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. ìBecause everything looked the same, you could not tell where one wall ended and a doorway began.î The surprises did not end there, however. Police described the man as having ìconcocted a wire frame around his head, upon which he had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of naked bodies.î Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way, but according to Hradj, ìhe had almost no peripheral vision. He could barely see a thing.î The man was found nude with his wire frame entangled in a hanging lamp. ìWe think he had been dusting,î said another police officer, ìbecause a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling.î The man apparently choked to death trying to extricate himself.

6. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In attempting to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

7. A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground, Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma".

8. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalised.

9. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see whatís coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object. that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

The following letter to the editor by Lawrence A. Bullis, originally published in the Arizona Republic, appeared in issue number 49 of View from the Ledge, a 'zine published by Chuck Shepherd in St. Petersburg, Florida. Bullis lives in Phoenix.

Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents, and lots of them.

Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. Since the dead don't reproduce, our species becomes progressively more intelligent (or a least less stupid).

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
5. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
6. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
7. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla vs. Mothra.
8. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
9. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
10. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a damn people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leavethe house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

 Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...     O O

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

         O  O   I said, (pointing to the small circle) "This is your butt hole before prison..."

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the Employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs - (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

SQUIRT THE BIRD - To transmit a signal to a satellite.

STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD JOB - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UNINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." *(Syn: decruitment.)

YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

 

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